Saturday, July 29, 2006

I hate you..but i love you

Its a relief that im not saying these words coz im stuck in an impossible relationship where i cant think straight...i'de like to believe im more sensible than that....actually...im beginning to think it would be impossible to get into any relationship that satisfies me....and no...im not arogant...a friend n i realized recently that in order to get married(which is the only form of official relationships i acknowledge)...u need to really love that person....no...i'll rephrase it...u need to cherich that person more than urself to be able to take all the shit that comes with the whole thing...later on.....but!...i also believe if i ever get there...i'll be an exception...

.....got carried away...ehem...


im talking about my dear Amman.

not so dear....ya3ni to be honest....everyone knows i wont stay here one more second if it was up to me....i'll just fly off to my imaginary trip...i might as well stop calling it imaginary...if im going to do it some day...and I WILL!!
it just makes me really sad to see how unbearable life has become in amman...my home...whether i like it or not...its home...its the only place where i'll be familiar with everything and everyone...the only place i feel im on solid ground...now a small errand through the streets...gets me back with a big frown...im not a frowny person....im always smiling and singing while i drive....bs my face muscles actually hurt!...well..its not just that...i've been struggeling with "statics" since yesterday...yes!...statics is a struggle when the last time u had to deal with numbers and physics was....tawjihi maybe?!even during the time i spend as an industrial eng. student...i was just not interested.....drifting from the main topic..again!

its just getting boring..even for me..to keep talking about the same thing over n over again

...but what can i do really...i need some re-assurement...a solution maybe....no...what i actually need is someone to relate...other than my sisters...and one friend....they got their share...7aram...
today was a nother birthday...of a dear friend this time...i really like the girl...so i God knows how i wanted to go n share....bs i couldnt decide which would be more rude...not to go...or just drop by for a couple of minutes.....coz me going to "inhouse" and staying there was not an option!...my body gets enough goosebumps from this fast in n out process...so how about a loong stay....is this smart interior design im looking at here?.....a dimmed place....rather dark...with undefined couches......does anyone have this set at their living room?....anyone feel comfortable in a place like that....add to that....immature boys and girls sitting inappropriately....smoking....and yes...staring at eachother....no one can beat us at that!

'sigh'


i've been told im complicated.....that i can either create a world out of a drop....or simplify things to an extent where they become absurdly abstract....bs i dont believe thats the problem here....why is it that everyone i know....varying characters...backgrounds...concepts...everyone! has the same perception for fun?!....ha?....and its one i can NEVER relate to.....and why do people stare at me like im an alien when i walk....anywhere!?.....why are people skipping their childhood like its some unneccessaryt phase?....why does everyone have a piece of thick tracing paper right in front of their face?!....why cant people tell the difference between 'stylish' and 'trashy'...?!.....why is everyone ok with this society except for meee?!!!...

yeah!..its bothering me.....u know whn too many people tell u u got blonde hair...u might start to believe so....especially when believing u got brown hair is just giving u hard times!....aaah....


why is it when u start writing u no longer remember what u wanted to say...B|....

points would help me arrange my thoughts....
hmmm...
  • My friends sound,look,act different outside uni....i dont like that....how come?
  • I cant stand driving through ammans streets that are insanly full of people AND cars....its worthless,un-classy,(what can i possibly say...?!)...men in cars they cant spell their names all over....irrational...im afraid whats happening around is screwing up our society....or as mu cous says...isreal is determined to unite all arabs in Jordan..;p
  • I have this amazing resistance to study...draw....im starting to believe its beyond me!
  • Im worried abt my niece n nephew growing up in this world...i really am...its too materialistic....
  • i wanna cry whn i remember all those sounds i heard yesterday were for people soo happy and mad they finished.....school..?!...just take a look at our educational system...
  • i wanna cry even harder watching both of my cousins soo not interested in chosing their majors..... : whatever!
  • i cant describe the feeling i get watching him do that to himself.
  • i cant understand "el nas el nikdeen"....never...
poooof!...im tired....i dont feel like talking anymore...im gonna go walk...n think....

note that i have a homework for tomorrow...and a quiz i gotta get a full mark at he day after...bs im gonna go walk....in circles...think....see where that will get me....


Friday, July 28, 2006

L'art des pied

yes!..there IS such a thing....(at the purple shelll)
I just realized i can express the past 5-6 months by...welll...hmmm...feeet?!
naturally...there's more..

testing my symmetry....

last week at uni....group feet-hug?
Statics....at equilibrium..
cousin at my sister's shower party
yaya at shower party...in her shoes that are just like dozz's....what else could a child ask for??!
cousin's daughter at shower party..hers..on the other hand..resemble the agony of mankind...
me...drenched in...
"bare" feet at wadi rum...
uncle...m3'rrez at rum...:p
i found some hands...but not as good...
The faculty of business administration at the JU...this summons it up!...visiting my best friend there...
me getting weird one night....everyone had slept...n i was working right after sister left...
Somebody was packing...but...natharan ila 5at el baas illi nfata7 la canada recently...i cant be sure miin!
My friend's shoes......which i WILL get...eventually...
loong ago...at my friends car...waiting for my cocktail from lubnani snack...:)
the day after i got home from canada....u can tell im still dizzy....of what happened...and what was yet to happen...
well...this explains my technicolor feet...the sun's only shining on mine.
naan was still there.....during wedding preparations....
i was as pale as my feet....last semester....
ka'kootiii's.....they look better without the sandals...u should listen to my friend describe the non-existing curves....

Friday, July 21, 2006

imagine..

Isreal disappears...



End of story.

I want out.

i still think politics = nonsense...
but i have no idea what to do...
i feel so helpless...so useless.

teeth clenched...
whole body shaking...
head about to explode....

i cant comprehend.
how did human race become soo low..
this is just not human.
this cant be happening...cant be real..


our death rates are more than those for animals

Sunday, July 16, 2006

wanted : parallel world


more options?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

falling puppets


more n more people falling down on my people's rank system...
sad how everyone falls at some point.
taday's fall was steep...two dear friends....went way down there...that i cant see them anymore...
i am pissed n frustrated coz i feel humiliated...but 'ironically'....im more sad for the impression they left in me...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

MIS-conception..thats me!
naive..........Blunt.............intolerent
O ptimistic................. distant
colors..B)

Monday, July 03, 2006

What the...????!!!
la 7awla wala quwata illa billah...
i really dont wanna say something i'll regret...fa lets get straight to the point...

Me...dozz...was living in my little cute purple shell...comfortable...isolated....drenched in my purple dreams...not wanting to hear anything about the outside world..i was....floating....mirtaa7aa...!

im wont get to the part where my sis n best friend just disappeared with a huge mess prior to that....traveling...finals...the wedding...all done....and naan's gone!...fine....i believe i was dealing with it pretty 'maturly'....cried n still crying at certain moments...but i just dont have a problem with my sis marrying a great guy!

so....me...dozz...thought she should find something to distract herself before life becomes soo unbearable(after all...evenings were always spent with naan since she cant go out at night!) n was recommended for a job exactly one day after the wedding....Perfect!...i thought.....went there...met the guy...n it turns out the guy im supposed to work for is a very good friend of both of my sisters!...even better...so dozz starts working..designing websites...n when dozz starts designing something for the first time.....its stomach ache...headaches...teeth clenched....u know....
i soooo didnt want to screw up this time...i knew i could do it...n i worked n worked....that my mum n brother started warning me that spending too many hours facing the computer is just insane.....n THAT was ironic...me couldnt spend more than 10 min. facing that machine before...i guess i just had to overcome that!

Summer course starts....n after the usual struggle...9 credit hours were set...just the way i wanted...

then...my brother's wife gave birth...to this adorable little creature im dying to see...n my mum has to go help them out since she's their first child....they'r on their own...abroad.

and...THATS when the actions starts...
i got summer course...a job (thank God the guy is not being pushy abt it)....n this whole household to manage!....AAND...no naaan!
summer course starts at 8....8 a.m. lecture is just something i CAAAANT DOOO!...bt again....i'd rather do it now than next semester....so ma3lesh....then comes this extremely boring class...statics...that revolves around 2-3 laws....with a professor who's actuallt shy to speak out...so u dont really get a word from what he's saying....bardo i'll servive that....THEN....its building construction....the past sememser...a professor was determined to make a min. of 40 student drop the course,flunk,or just get out of his way....im serious here...my case...'in7aramet'....n im sure i didnt excced my limit....n so are 18 of my collegues.....but that's just the JU....i got a bunch of 'A' students taking the course again with me....so...whatever!

This time..its not the same "naughty" professor...its another old cute one....that u cant help but respect....he's firm...straight...n he really wants to teach us something...which i find sooo refreshing...n cant argue with...ya3ni...in short....this class 'mish maz7ah' this time.

im usually done at 12-1....driving through ammans streets is becoming more n more of a challnege!....u get home roasted....in my case...to find the little ones...yaya n ka'kooti waiting there eagrly for dozz to arrive....the world lightens up for a couple of minutes...then i find myself following them around....n i just CANT take it...not after sleeping for a mx of 5 hours...n spending the whole morning with people boring u to sleep again....n driving home in a black car!

now...a new aspect....THE HOUSE.
now that the queen's gone...im just taking her place...i never knew men were sooo childish...i got my brother n my father with me...n thats the hardest part of it all!!!
father's not supposed to eat salted food...so somebody's gonna have to cook....options are...my aunts (fathers' sisters)....n in that case the only one who can eat would be daddy....Or...urs truly.
urs truly spent a couple of days before the queen leaves arguying that she wont be responsible for anyhting when mum leaves....but when the time came...just take a look at what happenend :
gotta wake up earyly to get daddy's milk ready..."including weekends"...or else...i'll wake up to find my aunt n her daughter (whom im not very fond of) staring at the bedroom door...fine...i dont care much about sleep anyway....then i gotta find someway to cook it all...so we'd actually eat!....of course my brother states proudy here thats he cant eats my aunts food...n that he doesnt like her being around all the time....but the most he can do is....tell me to grow up...n go out!...'sigh'...boys...no wait...he's a grown man!....
aunt is always here in the morning coz dad doesnt want the house to be empty for like 3-4 hours!....we just care too much about the house's feelings that we cant leave him alone with reno....who's really not reliable...bs ya3niiii...i can assure u...they can both servive it....

so getting rid of aunt is just up to me...since it doesnt really make any difference with dad...n bro 's "mish ma3zooom"!
which...by the way...makes me feel bad each time i do it.

then there's groccery shopping...n thats just nerve-comsuming if ur a young lady...coz those people stare at u like...........AAAAAH!

now...today's special....the wedding.
there was this wedding today for a far relative...we had to go for we got a close relationship with this particular family...so "we" skipping on this one was just not an option (or oftion 3a ra2i 'R')...
brother didnt wanna have anything to do with it...so he left me to go with daddy....where do i start on this one???!!!...the last time i went out alone with dad...or the last time i went to a family's wedding???!!!!.....i HATE HATE HATE these things....i just cant relate...n i spend the whole 3-4 hours trying to put a smile on my face coz there's no reason not to!!!...3eib ya3ni!
one aunt actually calls during the day to tell dad that they'r gonna pick me up at that time n bla bla bla....soo i get soooo furious coz
1.she should speak to me!
2.mayb i dont wanna go with u!
3.i got toms to do...n looks like im stuck with this wedding...

i know i know i know....im being mean...overreacting...aunts are all just trying to be nice n help us out...i understand...but we're three perfectly normal adults in this house...we CAN manage on our own!...n we dont want no interference from people who dont know their limits.at least i dont.

"sigh"
i go take a bath...n surrender to the fact that im going to this wedding...none of the cousins i relate to there...n i actually have to socialize n represent the familyfor the very first time....mum...to be specific...maaashi....i go...find the first thing to wear...n just run downstairs to end this thing as soon as possible...for i have to come back cook...n im still wroking on this website that i should've delivered 2 days ago....i switch on the light of the staircase...n there it goes!!!...A HUGE coccoroache....exactly the one that can....shake my whole world!!....i dont lose it...i call reno...she takes care of it...dad tells her to (spray..:p) them...n we're out.

now just so i get this out while im still on it....whn we came back...turns out spraying them wasnt exactly the best idea for as soon as i got off the car...there was one wondering at the garage...switched on the lights again...n a bunch dead at the stairs....when we reached upstairs...brother tells us that when reno sprayed the area...he could actually HEAR them moving.....from upstairs....;'O...how maaany are theeey???!!!...how on earth will i sleep 2day???!!

la 7awla wala quwata illa billah...

the wedding was a mess....n too many people were part of this mess....im too sleepy to speak in detail....bs there's got to be another way to ger married around here....people just went insane....in a vvvery cheap manor....place was crowded...though it was held at a pristiguous hall....the music was just....polluting....im positive it did cause hearing damages.....couldnt even eat the food...im not sure if its me n my stomache that has been upset for the last couple of days...willa it was just not food!...bs heck!..they were happy!....sometimes...u just get amazed by the things that can make a person content...n perfectly satisfied....really weird.

i found out recently im a night person...bt right now...i could just die...im soooo damn tired.
n tomorrow doesnt hold much to look forward to...pretty much the same...varrying details.


i always thoguth i love this life where u keep urself busy that u forget to eat...but that is just too much all together....i miss the days i used to walk around tables in circles n think....which was around 'all the time' previously....oooh....the peace...

God is trying to make me try everything i never experienced in 2 weeks....
I miss my shelll....


Saturday, July 01, 2006

helloooo!....Is this the real world...?!

well...its just that...

Rivers flow backwards..
Valleys are high...
Mountains are level..
Truth is a lie....
...im perfectly fine (rright!)...i dont miss u..
n' the sky is green...n' the graaass iis bluueee

..its also better by norah jones...bs couldnt find it..