shoot me again.
i've had it...i want nothing...i dont want nothing....i just want OUT of this life.....
im sick of everthing,tired...i just dont think its worth it.....
damn it!
i dont want to wine n complain on this blog,that was never the point...at least if im expressing it in some other way...not words...i'll feel better....welll...not really....i couldnt care less....'sigh'....yeah....
i
d o n t
c a r e!
i have no idea what happenening to me...but it seems my answer to almost everything has become...'screw this'....'screw them'........im going down.
lots of things has happened..n there's a lot yet to come...i cant believe those that are done...n i dont want to go through whats ahead....or i want it to .....ffft....i have nooo idea what i want.
"'BIG SIGH"'
Thats how i've been feeling for the past two months now..its like a curse...im hoping it'll go away by the end of this term....i mean it has to!
So i came back from Canada....which probably the stupidest thing to do...n i actually keep on repeating the same mistake over n over again....but lets face it...options are not that tempting....ya3ni im here...n i have the worst cultural shock ever...maybe because the whole thing happened in 5 days...Amman-Montreal-Toronto-Montreal-Amman.....it looks insane on my screen........
its not my first time out of here...i've been travelling around since i was born....everwhere...middle east,europe,norht america....but its never the same!!...each time i come back with a totally different impression....about the destination....and life!
i really cant see me living here as reality anymore....never lived abroad...i dont know whether im just going too far with my daydreaming willa im really fed up.....or maybe things has been going really bad lately that i dont want to accept that reality....im waay too lost....
so now im wondering....is it really a wake up call?!....am i supposed to drop everything(not that i have much to hang on to) and do what i've been threatning (myself) to do since ages....how crazy should i go..can i go?....will i go?!
i can be an extremest.....so im worried....i dont want to do something i'll regret....
I almost failed architectural design....fine...i missed one sketch design when i was away....but that wont make it any better....i suck in any sketch design...i just failed one today....thats...a real problem....i sit there...n i think....i go way too far with my imagination....that i find it hard to settle on one thing...then i take soo much time trying to implement it!...i just stare at my collegues wondering how they can draw lines soo easily...with confidence....no second thoughts....i cant doo that...maybe im weird...im complicated....i dont know in what catergory do i fall(if i fall in any that is)....but i just cant draw a line unless i have very good reason for it....n i cant just settle for just another design...isnt that the whole point of design?!!...putting together something new?!......its like just another name...one of the crowd.....i mean why??!!?...why make an effort to do something that's already done....
im just in denial.....u have no idea how i'de love to blame it on them....anyone....the system...the professors....family.....anything!...coz i believed in myself....so i go 'maybe thats the problem'...i give myself too much credit...but i dont!...i wore myself out trying to come up with this last design in which i failed...i thought like no one did....that i know........then i go...could the system really be that bad....i saw some other designs today...n there was noo design!...they got double of what i got.....the last thing i'd ever worry about are my grades...but....what is it really about damn it?!!!!!!!....my first sister gave me that 'ur to blame look' when i told her.....the other told me thats a result of over-confidence...im not sure she was thinking when she said that though.....n thats whats really bothering me.....am i the only one who believes in me....am i soo self-centered that i can never think i'll be that bad....well i know i can screw up...bs not that much!...if im not good enough...i need to know.....
the worst part about this whole thing is that... once i just accept it....n explain myself to myself...i need to find a way to get the whole family to accept it as welll.....sad....
nothing pleasant to look forward to....i dont even feel like shopping...though i need some basic clothes soo desperatly....
tasjili mish zabet....nothing...zzzip!...its not like im that eager to take summer course,but it'll be a great help...to spare me headache(s) next term....
sister getting married...im soo not in the mood to scare the tailor so he'd produce what i want....i just dont seem to care anough....though we're fighting like never before.....i dont want her to leave....i dont want her to leave....I DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE!!!.....
bs i dont have a say in that....like alomost everything else....this family has to start taking me seriously.....i need to take control of my life...its mine after all...i need to start living the life i wanna live......work on my goal....i go insane to think that i might pass through life just like anyone else......making no difference......not leaving a single print.....i cant!....i cant die before i achieve something....not for people....me want no recognition what-so-ever.....but merely for that satisfaction im missing soo bad lately.......that feeling that tells u u have a point.....
question is....how do i do that with minimal loss.....
i've had it...i want nothing...i dont want nothing....i just want OUT of this life.....
im sick of everthing,tired...i just dont think its worth it.....
damn it!
i dont want to wine n complain on this blog,that was never the point...at least if im expressing it in some other way...not words...i'll feel better....welll...not really....i couldnt care less....'sigh'....yeah....
i
d o n t
c a r e!
i have no idea what happenening to me...but it seems my answer to almost everything has become...'screw this'....'screw them'........im going down.
lots of things has happened..n there's a lot yet to come...i cant believe those that are done...n i dont want to go through whats ahead....or i want it to .....ffft....i have nooo idea what i want.
"'BIG SIGH"'
Thats how i've been feeling for the past two months now..its like a curse...im hoping it'll go away by the end of this term....i mean it has to!
So i came back from Canada....which probably the stupidest thing to do...n i actually keep on repeating the same mistake over n over again....but lets face it...options are not that tempting....ya3ni im here...n i have the worst cultural shock ever...maybe because the whole thing happened in 5 days...Amman-Montreal-Toronto-Montreal-Amman.....it looks insane on my screen........
its not my first time out of here...i've been travelling around since i was born....everwhere...middle east,europe,norht america....but its never the same!!...each time i come back with a totally different impression....about the destination....and life!
i really cant see me living here as reality anymore....never lived abroad...i dont know whether im just going too far with my daydreaming willa im really fed up.....or maybe things has been going really bad lately that i dont want to accept that reality....im waay too lost....
so now im wondering....is it really a wake up call?!....am i supposed to drop everything(not that i have much to hang on to) and do what i've been threatning (myself) to do since ages....how crazy should i go..can i go?....will i go?!
i can be an extremest.....so im worried....i dont want to do something i'll regret....
I almost failed architectural design....fine...i missed one sketch design when i was away....but that wont make it any better....i suck in any sketch design...i just failed one today....thats...a real problem....i sit there...n i think....i go way too far with my imagination....that i find it hard to settle on one thing...then i take soo much time trying to implement it!...i just stare at my collegues wondering how they can draw lines soo easily...with confidence....no second thoughts....i cant doo that...maybe im weird...im complicated....i dont know in what catergory do i fall(if i fall in any that is)....but i just cant draw a line unless i have very good reason for it....n i cant just settle for just another design...isnt that the whole point of design?!!...putting together something new?!......its like just another name...one of the crowd.....i mean why??!!?...why make an effort to do something that's already done....
im just in denial.....u have no idea how i'de love to blame it on them....anyone....the system...the professors....family.....anything!...coz i believed in myself....so i go 'maybe thats the problem'...i give myself too much credit...but i dont!...i wore myself out trying to come up with this last design in which i failed...i thought like no one did....that i know........then i go...could the system really be that bad....i saw some other designs today...n there was noo design!...they got double of what i got.....the last thing i'd ever worry about are my grades...but....what is it really about damn it?!!!!!!!....my first sister gave me that 'ur to blame look' when i told her.....the other told me thats a result of over-confidence...im not sure she was thinking when she said that though.....n thats whats really bothering me.....am i the only one who believes in me....am i soo self-centered that i can never think i'll be that bad....well i know i can screw up...bs not that much!...if im not good enough...i need to know.....
the worst part about this whole thing is that... once i just accept it....n explain myself to myself...i need to find a way to get the whole family to accept it as welll.....sad....
nothing pleasant to look forward to....i dont even feel like shopping...though i need some basic clothes soo desperatly....
tasjili mish zabet....nothing...zzzip!...its not like im that eager to take summer course,but it'll be a great help...to spare me headache(s) next term....
sister getting married...im soo not in the mood to scare the tailor so he'd produce what i want....i just dont seem to care anough....though we're fighting like never before.....i dont want her to leave....i dont want her to leave....I DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE!!!.....
bs i dont have a say in that....like alomost everything else....this family has to start taking me seriously.....i need to take control of my life...its mine after all...i need to start living the life i wanna live......work on my goal....i go insane to think that i might pass through life just like anyone else......making no difference......not leaving a single print.....i cant!....i cant die before i achieve something....not for people....me want no recognition what-so-ever.....but merely for that satisfaction im missing soo bad lately.......that feeling that tells u u have a point.....
question is....how do i do that with minimal loss.....
posted by Dozz at 9:19 PM
12 Comments:
Hi Dozz ..
First of all , thank you for the nice words and hamdella ala el salameh.
Second thing , I think you should feel lucky you got to go get some exposure which everybody looks to do somehow.. Some people get a culture shock which is normal, but few use that to open new perspectives and dock them on top of theirs. I mean it helps see things from other angles. I hope you will be one of these people.
Third, I think a solid belief in ones potentials is always necessary although sometimes things seem going the wrong way. I believe in this myself.
People always like bounding boxes with upper and bottom lines to work in between which is safe and wise all the times. In the design process , this is not always true because you won't come up with extra ordinary creative design unless you stretch out beyond limits with eyes on other ordinary designs (lets call them so) so to benchmark with and to address those weak aspects that maximize the tangible inertia that keep them down to the ground. You do this, and you will learn how to break through and fly. I say this quoting you "the last thing i'd ever worry about are my grades...but....what is it really about damn it?!!!!!!!" & "coz i believed in myself....so i go 'maybe thats the problem'"
Fourth, "I DONT WANT HER TO LEAVE!!!" I am sorry for this but let me tell y you something : Be a man about it and you will enjoy it ; )
And now with number five : "question is....how do i do that with minimal loss" Aha , brain is working then , so all or nothing at all is beyond the question here and this is an accomplishment itself . Anyway , schrodinger himself doesn't know how to do this properly! But I tell you , I myself don't learn unless I get a clap on the face! But anyway, I take it simple because this is a basic fact of life.
Earlier they said : Time's the Healer , in the 80's they said: Heaven Can Wait , You say : Am i soo self-centered that i can never think i'll be that bad and I say: It's their fault they didn't understand ; )
Finally, I hope you will read this and delete it immediately because once it gets reread over a gain, it will show nonsense to you.
Good Luck
hmmm...
exposure..could be...or maybe a tease...
so im gonna keep that...ego...see where it gets me...i know i wont be comfortable with myself losing it...
now..."..so to benchmark with and to address those weak aspects that maximize the tangible inertia that keep them down to earth"...WHATT?!
i dont accept run-on sentences on my blog..;p
in other words...mish fahmeh!i read it over n over again,trying to link those words together...i got enough on my mind,so i'll leave it to to explain..:)
pressed 'enter' bil3'alat!
anyway,if ur trying to say:
ur fine,n they must have missed ur point.
that'll do...
no nonsense at all...;)
oh n Allah ysalmak.
Hi..
I was trying to say this :
Work with others , benchmark your findings with them, fully understand what they design and only then you can add value to yours.
Inertia: Gravity, mass , habal el physia!
Sorry for the mispelling! but it takes you a lot of time to reply comments.. ya sater!
:p..yeah..
im gonna sound "di2ra" here..
bt i dont get the point of looking at others' designs,at least not my counterparts...i'd hate to find my designs influenced by others'..8|..
u know...its one of those ideas that will always be there at the back of ur head no matter how hard u try convincing urself its not good..
off to study!
Hi.
Go study go....
But listen , it's really hard when you get to know that others would've helped you solve something rather than reinvent the wheel. You know , we reinvent the wheel 10 , 20 or 30 times , but there will come a time when we say : Enough , lets benchmark a bit and make our lives easier.
Call it this: Getting inspired by others , not influenced.
Sugar coat it and you will be fine ;)
Far out!
Couldn't read all what you wrote. A couple of lines from the beginning, and a couple from the end. Again, I don't think that was the point, was it?
Feel better?
fadi,
i wanna invent a new wheel..3)
ur right!im just being obstinate...;/
mo,
mmuch better!
for now...
cant figure out what was it that u read,soo...point of what?!!
Most whiskas :)
To read what you wrote.
fadi,
females???
mo,
not at all.
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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